10 Predictions for X-Factor 2011

1 – The Dark Lord will rise again.

Whilst Simon Cowell may have bowed out of the panel to focus on the US version of the X Factor he will no doubt return to our screens to speak at level of hyperbole that mere mortals can only dream of.

Simon Cowell Devil
2 – Louis Walsh’s delusion will reach terrifying new heights.

In 2009 he unleashed the The Scourge (Jedward) upon the nation and last year, he backed Brazillian lunatic Wagner & Tesco Mary who were sent back to the rain-forest & the checkouts respectively after far more time in our living rooms than deserved. Brace yourselves now for whatever monstrosity he sets his heart upon this year.

3. Someone who has had a difficult life will do well.

And that’s fine, just a shame we have to hear about it every time they’re mentioned.

4. ITV will show an advert between every sentence.

It already seems you are watching more advertising than singing when watching the X-Factor but we predict ITV will grease their palms to the extent we end up empathising more with Toilet Duck than the contestants by week six.

5. A pre-pubescent boy will capture the hearts of the nation.

Only for us to realise we didn’t like them after all. Near-winners Ray Quinn & Eoghan Quigg both fell at the final hurdle with neither living up to their hype post X-Factor. However, last year’s manufactured super-boy-group One Direction could buck this trend with their upcoming single, What Makes You Beautiful.

6. The new judges will divide the nation.

Team Contostavlos doesn’t quite have the same ring to it as Team Minogue but you can be sure the new judges will inspire equal levels of devotion/derision as their acts. Whether the weekly fashion showdown between Cole/Minogue will continue remains to be seen as it’s hard to imagine Tulisa in anything other than a Kappa tracksuit and who knows whether Barlow will attempt to channel He Must Not Not Be Named or show some actual personality, but he’s struggled with that for over a decade so I wouldn’t hold your breath.

tulisa_contostavlos
7. The voice-over man will re-invent himself.

After dramatically bellowing contestant names for 7 years, Peter Dickson will shock the producers by spontaneously taking a new direction and imitating a range of well known personalities. Think John Inman, Jo Pasquale and Alexsandr the meerkat.

8. A slutty girl band will be eliminated in week one.

Remember Addictiv Ladies, Bad Lashes and Kandy Rain? Didn’t think so. Granted, 2009’s Miss Frank were pretty good but they still fared badly. It seems the nation just won’t vote for a girl band. So why do the judges keep trying?

Kandy-Rain

9. The judges will still pretend the choose the songs.

Despite hearing You Raise Me Up for the billionth time the judges will still maintain that they chose that song for Little Billy because it was just right.

10. Dermot O’Leary will finally snap.

After 6 years of being supportive Dermot will finally hear one bum note too many and tell the acts to their faces just how terrible they are a grueling Paxman-esque character assassination. Poor Little Billy.

Only time will tell if any of these predictions will come true but what is certain is that we’ll all be watching/talking about the hopeful pop-stars and Simon Cowell will continue to laugh himself to sleep as we do so.

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