Office Survival Guide – How to deal with Zombies in the workplace

Here at TQS we’re constantly vigilant about the zombie threat so couldn’t resist posting this guest article from Ella McConnell who gives her guide to surviving the apocalypse for all you 9-5-ers out there!

The daily office grind can often leave even the most caffeinatedly chipper among us a little brain dead. However, do you ever worry that that pained groaning coming from account management is more than merely a response to a client’s latest eccentricities? Are people staring through their computer monitors with a little less focus (and a little more drool) than usual? And perhaps that guy who was chatting you up at the coffee machine pointedly said he was more interested in brains than beauty for a reason (which might be that you’re not much to look at and he was letting you down gently but hey, you never know). Here follows a handy survival guide to help you avoid and deal with any unfortunate outbreaks of the undead in your office.

• Supplies – Know exactly where everything useful in your office is just in case, whether you plan to grab a first aid kit, break into the vending machines (hopefully without crushing yourself) or ransack the company beer fridge in one final act of defiance. It’s a good idea to keep constantly drinking coffee and/or energy drinks; that caffeine high will be incredibly useful when Dave decides to leap over the partition and try and take a bite out of you.

• Weapons – Probably not the best thing to have lying around in an office usually (especially considering how heated office disputes can get sometimes), but then you certainly don’t want to be caught short in the event of an outbreak. Unless you’re somehow immune, bear in mind that melee weapons such as pencils, office chairs and keyboards (hey, some of them have pretty sharp corners) carry a high risk of infection due to the spattering gore that results from their use.

• Bunker – In case you are unable to leave your office or, even worse, you need to quarantine certain parts of it, you should keep in mind a place where you can hole up for at least a little while. Whether it’s the broom cupboard on the first floor or the CEO’s office (it’s not like he’s going to need it now he’s occupied with devouring poor Steve in the canteen), keep somewhere in mind (and be sure to have a few backups). Those of you with open plan offices or walls that are mostly made of glass (like a lot of office space in Gateshead), for example) beware: if zombies can see you then they’re highly likely to try and eat you.

• Know your team – Going around in large groups is not a great plan when you’re being chased by the zombie horde. As such, you should agree ahead of time exactly who you intend on sticking with should all hell shamble loose in the office. Be sure to carefully balance team members’ skills (you may want to stick with your department buddies but is a team full of accountants really going to fare that well?) and have backup members should one of you happen to be involved in the initial infection.

• Escape route – As heartbreaking as the thought may be, sooner or later you’re going to have to leave your office. With supplies, weapons and hopefully a decent team behind you (see above if you haven’t already), your best bet is to make a speedy break for it utilising any vehicles you might have at your disposal (something to definitely bear in mind when considering team composition). However, those who have offices in Farnborough and other similarly central places should be aware that roads may get a little busy in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Failing that, RUN!

Ella is a writer and avid Humans vs. Zombies player from Brighton. In the event of a zombie apocalypse you’ll probably find her hurling socks at the horde and being confused as to why they’re refusing to be tagged.

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